I wasn’t planning to journal tonight, but alas, here I am.. I needed to put my thoughts out into words, hoping to find some sort of clarity or aha moment. If I’m being honest, my thoughts are a tangled mess. A blur of confusion, a endless loop of questions (and confirmations) that play over and over again in my mind. What is “right”? What is true? What is the best way to handle this intricate web of emotions that feels impossible to untangle? What is the best way for me?

As I sit here reflecting and writing, I find myself newly aware of an old situation. My eyes have been opened so very much these past few years — it is both a blessing and a curse. Where I once would have found myself in the role as people pleaser and done almost anything for those I love, I now hesitate. It’s one of those moments when your perspective shifts just slightly, but that shift, oh how it can change everything.

What I do know in this moment is this: I am tired, and I am lonely. There is a weight on my chest tonight, heavier than usual, and tonight, it comes from the exhaustion of being the person who although I always try to do the right thing — I also pride myself on being honest, to a fault sometimes. I tend to call things as they are, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable that may be. It’s not an easy path, in fact it’s often wildly uncomfortable, and it’s a path that demands a certain strength that quite frankly, sometimes feel like I don’t have. That being said, as hard is it is, I suppose I can’t imagine being any other way. This is who I am. Some days — the hill of truth feels too steep, the climb more taxing than ever before. It would be so much easier to take the path of submission, to do what I have found myself doing so many times before.

That act of not ultimately doing what is deemed “right” or choosing to be “the bigger person”, feels seismic within me. It started with the understanding I’ve gained about the dynamics at play in certain relationships and in family roles. Seeing patterns I once ignored — patterns of guilt-shaming, manipulation, and subtle emotional traps that I was all too willing to fall into in the past. I am painfully aware of how these patterns (and responses) muddy the way I viewed certain people in my life. These are things that in someway I never wanted to confront, things I forced myself not to see — because acknowledging them felt like a betrayal of the love I held for those people.

I see it all now though, (sometimes too clearly), and that clarity is both freeing and devastating. So tonight, I am here, standing at a crossroads, wondering what happens next. Do I react as the old version of myself would have, the person who ultimately would chose to be that “bigger person” once my honesty wasn’t acknowledged or fought against? To give in and smooth things over, to “let it go”, even at a great personal cost? Or do I embrace the growth, insight, and awareness I’ve fought so hard to attain. To make the choices that align with this new, evolving me?

I’ll tell you what, it sure isn’t an easy decision. Change rarely is. Breaking old patterns, especially harmful ones, often come with consequences. I know that if I choose the path of growth, it could lead to more loss. I could lose relationships I’ve clung to for years. It could possibly, and quite likely, mean facing more hurt, enduring more unanswered questions and accountability, and walking an even lonelier uphill road. I might find myself staring at that long, empty stretch of solitude that comes with choosing authenticity and honesty over comfort and habit.

Do I continue living in a way that old me would have? A way that doesn’t align with who I am now, who I am becoming? Do I betray my own growth, hardships, and that small glimmer of self-awareness just to keep the peace?

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be what others needed me to be, bending and reshaping myself to fit their expectations. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I can’t.

There’s a unique heaviness in realizing that some relationships aren’t as solid as you once believed them to be. It’s heartbreaking to accept that not everyone will meet you where you are, that most will hold on to their own patterns of behavior and thought. But power can also come with that realization — because with it comes the understanding that you can choose differently. You can choose to break free. You are allowed to speak your truth and follow your own path. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Tonight, I feel the weight of that choice pressing down on me. The old me would have eventually gave in and moved on, but the new me knows that peace isn’t always found in giving in and doing what is “best.” Sometimes, peace comes from standing firm in your truth, even if it means standing alone.

I sure won’t pretend to have all the answers, in fact, I don’t have many of them.. Some days, I feel strong and so darn sure of my path. Other days, I feel lost, uncertain, and down right exhausted. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m on a journey that is worth taking. Growth is rarely linear, and healing often feels like breaking apart before eventually, slowing, piecing ourselves back together.

So, what happens next? I’m not entirely sure. But I know I don’t want to live a life that compromises my truth any more. I don’t want to fall back into patterns that left me drained and unfulfilled. I want to move forward, even if the walk is lonely and difficult.

At the end of the day, the cost of betraying the woman I am working so hard to become is far greater than the cost of losing those who can’t or won’t grow with me.

The hill feels steep tonight, but I’ll keep climbing. I’ll always keep climbing. One step at a time. One truth at a time. One choice at a time.

Keep climbing babes. 💛

Vivv